What Things Would Be Like If Google Was A Car Insurance Company?

If Google was a car insurance company, millions of drivers would find themselves without insurance or a car because they’re driving duplicate content.

Here, then, is a peek at the brave, new Google Insurance world :

“I’m sorry, Mr. Smith,” said the Google Insurance agent, “but Mr. Brown in Toledo, Ohio, is already driving a 2008 red Ford Mustang. We recognize his red Ford Mustang as original content. Yours is duplicate. Your car will be towed to the sandbox.”

In the meantime, Mr. Smith’s world has crashed around him. The world economy has screeched to a halt because people driving duplicate content vehicles can’t get insurance.

Grocery stores ran out of food as truckers discovered that their duplicate content trucks are uninsurable.

Matt Cutts, Google’s Overlord of Car Spam, issued cryptic and contrasting statements, telling drivers what Google Insurance expects in “original content” versus “duplicate content,” and what a “spammy” car is.

Cutts said that visitors to your car are looking for unique content that provides value.

This conundrum, naturally, raised car discussion groups that pondered over what Cutts meant by “unique content” and “value.”

Some car owners speculated that they could pass the unique content test by repainting their cars. Pink polka dots on blazing crimson might be a good design, stated one car owner. Another owner disagreed, noting that three pink polka dot cars sat uninsured in Phoenix.

Cutts further muddied the car waters when he stated: “If you have been negatively impacted by Google Insurance, then try to change things on your car and upgrade the car on site.”

This caused more consternation as car owners had no clue how Cutt’s edict helped their vehicles pass the increasingly tough Google content test.

Cutts further mused that cars should not look “spammy.”

“Just as a reminder,” Cutts chirped, “car spam is junk you see on the road when car owners try to cheat their way into buying insurance by violating unique car quality guidelines.

“To respond to that challenge,” said Cutts, “we recently launched a redesigned car-level classifier that makes it harder for spammy car owners to buy insurance. It’s better at detecting car spam on the road.”

“We’re evaluating multiple changes that should help drive spam cars off the road,” Cutts continued, “including one change that primarily affects car owners who copy other car content and cars with low levels of original content.”

Cutts pointed to an example of duplicate car spam, where a car owner planted a green cabbage in the trunk. Another car owner copied that idea. His car, though, was designated “spammy” by Google Insurance and towed to the sandbox.

“Had this owner planted red cabbage rather than green, he most likely would have found favor with us,” Cutts said.

Cutts noted that spammy cars cover more than duplicating other car’s content. He related an example of a car owner mounting deer antlers on the hood of the car. “Google considers this spammy content,” Cutts said. “It adds nothing to the car. A visitor will leave without taking away any useful information from that car,” Cutts said.

Google refused to insure the car, but after buckets of tears from the owner, Google relented. The insurance giant insured the back half of the car, while not insuring the front half. Google found the oatmeal rendering of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s pectoral muscles mounted on the trunk as “unique content.” It also had value, as this would encourage kids to eat oatmeal.

Cutts announced that Google has targeted the producers of duplicate and spammy car content, such as General Motors, Ford and Toyota.

Auto companies are now spammy “content farms.” They plug together parts from different suppliers and design millions of duplicate cars.

“Don’t create multiple models, submodels or designs with substantially duplicate content,” Cutts said.

Cutts suggested that car manufacturers design a car with three or fewer wheels instead of always four. Duplicate car content can be copied from within the car itself. For example, why must seats always be leather? Couldn’t one seat be wicker?

To fight this duplicate and spammy car content, Google Insurance plans to release a Panda Penalty Patrol to cruise America’s streets, marking vehicles as “duplicate or spammy.” These cars will be towed to the Google sandbox in Nevada or North Dakota.